Lawgirl Book Review Part II

See part one here.

When we are children, our parents have cloudless eyes and creamy skin.  They are big and strong, they know everything, they are perfect.  Parents strengthen that perception by teaching us that they are always right and that children should be seen and not heard.  We learn to listen and obey. No one teaches us that parents are selfish.  No one teaches us that parents lie.  We could not get angry at our parents; we were not allowed.  When they hit us and told us it was for our own good, we believed them.  When they touched us in private places and told us we asked for it, we believed it.

Our parents were on a pedestal.  We relied on them for anything.  We didn’t know any better.  The truth is, maybe they didn’t either, on some of it.  I know that when I was about 15, I couldn’t wait to be a grownup, because then I would know everything!!  No more self-consciousness, no more indecision, no more questioning.  I would know it all. I’m 37 now and still have those moments, though they are fewer and farther between than when I was a teenager.

None of that means that we are guilty of their crimes.  Not now, not then.  I know - I KNOW – that I asked my father for sex (after he had already begun molesting me), because he told me that was love and I so desperately wanted to be loved. I so desperately wanted that love from my father.  What other children received just from being born, I had to beg for with my body.  No one should have to do that.  No one.

But if I allow myself to hate him, then he wins.  On the other hand, if I refuse to allow myself to get angry, he still wins, because then I am eating my feelings.

Whereas some folks think, when I am thin, my life will be perfect, I thought, when my dad dies, my life will be perfect.  It wasn’t.  It’s been nearly 5 years and I have only started feeling better within the last year.  I finally have hope again.

I believed as long as I stayed fat,  I was stifling creativity, my self-expression, my beauty.  When I allow myself to be thin, I told myself, it will be symbolic of my willingness to receive pleasure; being thin will be my statement to myself and the world that after so many years, I finally believe  am worthy of love.  I was wrong.  Being thin did what being thin can do: it helped me feel lighter and more attractive on a daily level and by society’s standards.  It will not heal the underlying suffering and repressed anguish of childhood.  And it never will.

Perhaps you are one of those people who believes that your life will be perfect once you reach a certain number on the scale.  You know what else is a lie?  That an engagement ring will save your relationship.  Or that my life would be perfect when my abuser was dead.  Not so much.

Fantasy and longing were our friends.  The problem with fantasy is the greatest benefit of fantasy:  it prevents us from living in the present moment.  But the present now is different from the present then, and while it is true that in the present, people still get sick, leave and die, it is also true that the present is where hearts are opened and love enters.

You don’t get to just pick the good in life. If you choose to let someone in to your life, you may get the bad.  But you can’t get the good unless you are willing to take that risk.

The Vet  is over three decades older than I am.  I know that I am setting myself up for heartache.  But the wonderful love I am receiving now, the wonderful man with whom I am sharing my life, the amount of healing he has helped me through – none of that will be triumphed by the grief I will have then.  None of that is worth giving up for something that will hurt later.  This is the best I have ever had on every level and just because Future Hubby and I will never reach a silver anniversary – who cares?  I live for now.  I live for today.  I am experiencing something many folks would KILL for and I am not ever giving it up.

If I had not let go of my fantasy world, then I would not be where I am now – loved, truly blessed and healing.  Finally.