I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh mine help

~ Psalm 121

People have often asked about my faith in God, how it came about, etc.  I have been told that I’m incredibly strong emotionally and such and that does come from my personal relationships with God.  So, I thought I would take the time today to share it.

My parents did not go to church.  My mother had the other 4 children baptized, but I was not.  I started going to church as a child for the social aspects.  My then-best friend went to a local Methodist church and so I joined in.

I sang in the children’s choir, was an acolyte as needed, was a greeter as needed, helped out with Bible School, went to Sunday School, and was in the youth group.  I suppose that I loved God somewhat, but really, it was more about the social aspect.

My mother made me stop going to church when I was 16 and there had been a breakdown in the friendship between myself and my then-best friend.  You know how girls can be at that age – and well, we were making each other miserable.  So, I stopped going.  And it was fine – I still had plenty of friends.

During college, I went off and on to our chapel there – mostly when I had to perform as part of the choir or on the rare occasion I did a solo there.  But, for the most part, college was dark for me because it was when I started having all of memories of the abuse I had endured at my father’s hands.

Late in college and after graduation, I was in therapy for these issues.  I was suicidal off and on – your childhood affects your entire life and there are no do-overs.  It seemed as though this wall could never be scaled and so why try?

During this time, I decided that God was to blame for all of this.  In the end, He controlled it all and thus had caused all of this sorrow – He had put me into this family after all.

I was also without a cause in my life – I hadn’t achieved the career I had wanted (singing), hadn’t found Mr. Right, and was in horrible debt.  I hated my life, and I blamed God for all of it.   I grew angrier and angrier, until one day, I decided that I would not ever speak to God again.

I went on for about a year and a half this way.  And throughout that time I learned some very important things:

1.  Life is not a race.  I am not competing against anyone in trying to get married first, have children first, buy a house first, etc.

2.  I am responsible for my own happiness.

3.  When you don’t have God to blame for everything, you only have yourself to blame.

I had to take a good, long, hard look at myself and get to know Lawgirl and what I was doing to make my life the way it was.  I had to take that responsibility.

So, I started talking to God again and from then on have had a wonderful relationship.  I can honestly say that I have asked for guidance and strength and He has given them to me every time.  Now, have I listened to it every single time?  No,  and that is my fault.

You won’t catfch me at a church on Sundays – I have my own relationship with God and do not feel the need for an interpretation (church) nor do I need the social aspect of it.   I like to talk to God directly, not through a middleman.

Now, I know that some people really get into church and that’s great for them – it’s simply not for me.  The only time I get discouraged is when people think that I can’t possibly have any faith unless I go to church.  Not so.

So, that is where my strength comes from – my faith in God, my faith in those whom I love, and ultimately, my faith in myself.