If I could turn back time
I chatted with The Professor tonight to see how he was feeling. What started out as a kindly conversation turned into an incredible downer for me as he asked about the state of my financial affairs.
I am still suffering from the dumbass decisions I made with The Sergeant and NETboy. It will be years before I’m financially stable again. I try to accept this and forget about it, as it’s so depressing to me otherwise. However, I can’t change it.
The truth? If God said, you can go back in time and change that you were raped as a child or you can erase those two relationships…I would choose to erase those two relationships. I bear more shame because of them – because they were my fault. I was a child when my father raped me – I had no choice. In those two relationships, I was an adult and I was incredibly stupid. I would erase those mistakes in a heartbeat.
Maybe we make poor decisions in relationships because we’re looking to hang onto love and attention from any source, because of our bad childhoods? In other words, would things have gotten as out of hand with those two relationships if you hadn’t had that huge childhood betrayal?
I hope you don’t beat yourself up too bad over your mistakes. When you give with an open heart and someone takes advantage of that, it is they who should feel shame, not you.
Wow…I am sorry for the pain that you have been put through.
Lawgirl,
{{HUGS}} I am one to hang onto painful memories too. I’m sorry for the pain you have gone through in your life.
The mistakes you made in your relationships were honest and with good intentions. Learn from them and get through the financial repercussions, but do not beat yourself up about it.
Thank you everyone.
I have to agree with drunkbunny (never thought I would admit to sharing an opinion with an inebriated lagomorph but stranger things have happened… *wink*)
I am beyond dismayed to learn of this and I’m truly sorry it happened to you. There are so many connections in our adult lives that are affected by our (daughters’) relationships with our fathers. I’m sure that’s not news to you. Coming to terms with that, I believe, makes for much healthier adult relationships.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Let us help you heal that little, innocent girl inside you. Love yourself first.
Speaking as a virtual stranger who just happened to find you on the internet, I’d say you’re pretty damn lovable
HUGS.
correction of sorts…
(oh geeze, when you type an apostrophe next to a parenthesis, it comes up as a wink. that is so not what I wanted there after “daughters’”… how distracting is that. I try to say something profound and heartfelt and there pops up a silly winky face. Gah.)
One Wink, thank you so much. You are one of my friends that I truly treasure.