Art imitating life imitating art

I’m watching all of the season finales for my favorite shows and I have to say:

1.  Minus the cherub and the murders, the gay wedding on Desperate Housewives was my dream wedding – beautiful colors, the flowers, all of it.

2.  The conversation between Meredith and her therapist on Grey’s Anatomy about her mother, her love life, and her value or lack thereof of her own life was so eerie to me, as it was as though I was watching a snapshot of my own life.

Dr. Wyatt: If he’s with Rose that means he’s not with you. And do you know why he’s not with you? You’re scared.
Meredith: Are you calling me a coward?
Dr. Wyatt: I think you are very frightened Dr. Grey.
Meredith: Are you calling me a coward?
Dr. Wyatt: What do you think?

Dr. Wyatt: We had our first honest conversation about your feelings, and now you want to leave. That timing doesn’t strike you as strange?
Meredith: No, and I’m still firing you.
Dr. Wyatt: No, you’re quitting.
Meredith: No, I’m not quitting. I don’t quit things.
Dr. Wyatt: No, actually you do. Your mother quit your father. Your father quit you. You quit your boyfriend and if I read your hospital chart correctly you quit your life momentarily on a couple of occasions. You quit. It’s what you know how to do.
Meredith: Now you’re really fired.

Meredith: We’ve got this patient and she’s got true love. You wanna know why? Because her boyfriend doesn’t exist. Derek is all broken up over her like it means something that she’s having an affair with a hallucination.
Dr. Wyatt: But Derek wasn’t ready to give up on the relationship when you were.
Meredith: No, I didn’t give up. I wanted to try again, and then he went a kissed Rose. So he’s the one that messes up, not me.
Dr. Wyatt: But it’s a relationship. People make mistakes, and you stand back waiting for him to fail so you can say AHA! Now I quit.
Meredith: No, it wasn’t working.

Dr. Wyatt: Was your life not working when you let that slip out from under you?
Meredith: When are you going to stop suggesting that I’m suicidal?
Dr. Wyatt: When you start acting like someone that wants to be alive.
Meredith: Give me my chart.
Dr. Wyatt: Why?
Meredith: Because I’m not suicidal, and if it says that I am, then it’s wrong.

Dr. Wyatt: What happened last year when you fell in the water?
Meredith: I almost drowned. Do you think I did that for kicks?
Dr. Wyatt: You put your hand in a body cavity that contained unexploded ammunition.
Meredith: I was trying to save a patient!
Dr. Wyatt: Why is it that every other person in that room had the sense to hit the deck? You know people run away from this line between life and death. You seem to stand on it and wait for a strong wind to sway you one way or the other. You’re careless with your life. You’re not slitting your wrists but you’re careless. Probably because your mother told you you were a waste of space on this planet. The problem is you believed her. And if you don’t want out one of these days you’re going to die because of it.
Meredith: Hand me my chart. NOW! And don’t ever talk about my mother again.

I have been careless with my life over and over again.  I am not afraid to die, partially because I don’t believe that this is it.  I can’t believe that we are supposed to work for money and only enjoy a couple of days off every week.  It doesn’t make sense to me that this is what we were created for.

But I have also been careless because I felt less than worthy about myself.  During the depression from my father’s and nephew’s deaths on, I took risks I had never taken before.  I was careless about health in ways that smart people are not.

Now, though, I am back on my game and feeling much better and am not that risky anymore.  In fact, my life is almost sedate at this point.  Other than the occasional run-in between my car and a deer. 

I’m officially on vacation from work until June 2.  Woot woot!!  Ahhhhh.  I look forward to finding my renewed creativity and enjoyment in my job again.